Becoming a Mother

So if you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll notice that on occasion I will post more of my thoughts and feelings, instead of just a fun travel-log of our lives.  I guess my hope in doing so is that it will be of some help or benefit to someone out there.  This is is definitely a lot longer than my previous posts like this though.

I've been thinking about mothers and being a mother recently (in light of it being Mother's Day and all).  I realize that I've technically been a mother since becoming pregnant with Ann, but I haven't always felt like one.  In all honesty, I sometimes feel like I'm just some kind of long-term babysitter.  Now don't get me wrong, I love Ann to pieces, but the whole "I'm a mom and have a daughter" thing seems kind of surreal, even now.

I was (and still am at times) completely overwhelmed at the thought of caring for someone so completely and endlessly.  I'm pretty sure I cried (for some reason or another) every day for at least two weeks after Ann was born.  I still sometimes wonder how I'm going to manage to take care of her (and eventually, her siblings whenever they come) for YEARS to come.  During especially difficult times, I wonder why in the world even I wanted to do this whole have a baby thing.  Yet somehow, I manage to get through each day, and even laugh and smile in the process :)

Babies have a knack for helping you becoming more selfless (and for helping you see how selfish you really are).  I thought I was pretty good at being selfless before Ann came along.  Well, she sure proved me wrong.  I often found myself wishing she would just fall asleep and stay asleep in her bed so I could have some time to myself to just breathe.  It's funny though, as much as I would crave to just be able to go out somewhere by myself, when I would actually find myself without her, I often found myself thinking about her and desiring to be back with her.  Even today, my mom took Ann out of Relief Society while she was being fussy so I could stay and listen to the lesson.  While I was grateful for the chance to actually pay attention to the lesson (something that doesn't happen to often now-a-days), I found myself longing to hold my baby.  I'm sure over time, my selfish nature with continue to be put aside as I find more and more joy in taking care of and nurturing my family.

Within the past month or so, I've been able to have some moments that made me actually feel like a mother.  Ann's new thing is walking, and she's getting really good at it (like, she can let go of a couch in the living room and walk on her own down the hall into her or Tom's and my bedroom).  As she was learning to walk, a frequent activity around here was holding Ann's hands while she walked all over our apartment.  As we would do this, she began to stop in the middle of walking, look up at me, smile, and then continue walking. A few steps later, she would stop and look and smile at me again.  She would do this a couple of times and then just keep cruising around everywhere.  One day, when she stopped to look up at me, I just had this incredible feeling of love and this sort of "emotional realization" (not sure quite how to put it) that I am her mother and she is my daughter.

The next moment was just over a week ago.  We (finally) got me a rocker/glider chair to put in Ann's room for me to use when I nurse her and put her down to sleep (I previously would just sit on our living room couch or on Tom's and my bed, whichever was most convenient).  It was an amazing experience the first night that I used our new chair to put Ann down to sleep, and I definitely wasn't expecting to feel anything different.  But something about sitting in my little girl's room, rocking while holding her sweet sleeping self, just completely overwhelmed me.  Again it was a thought of "I am really a mother, and this is really my daughter, and I have the most wonderful privilege of taking care of her".  It hit me so hard that I almost started to cry.  I mentioned to Tom later about what I felt, and he apologized that I hadn't been able to have my "rocking chair moment" earlier in Ann's life.  (We didn't get one before Ann was born because we knew we would be moving soon and so it was one less thing to worry about hauling across the country.  And for a variety of reasons, including time and money, it took us this long to get it)

Yesterday I went to the grocery store with Ann.  Remembering it was Mother's Day the next day, I thought about how I was walking around with my little girl.  I felt very blessed and honored to be a mother.  I was so grateful to have that sweet little baby (who's not much of a baby anymore) in my arms.

It is moments like these, and experiencing the joy in watching Ann continue to grow and learn new things that make me feel like I really am becoming a mother (and maybe even picking up those "special Mom powers" that Tom keeps telling me about).  I do still have my moments of just wanting a break and wondering what the heck I got myself into (I sure hope I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes!), but I honestly can't imagine life without Ann (at least not a life I'd want to be living).  I look forward to getting to do more and more things with her as she gets older and understands more.

I am so grateful to my mother and the example that she was and still is to me.  It was wonderful getting to actually spend Mother's Day with her (actually the second one in a row since leaving for college!  She was with me out in Utah last year on Mother's Day waiting for Ann's arrival).

A four generation picture when Ann was only 12 days old.  I am so grateful to have been able to get this picture of me and Ann with my wonderful mother and grandmother.

I hope at least some of my rambling made sense to someone (I realize I have a tendency to blog late at night...).  And with that, I'm off to bed :)