The Joy of Motherhood

Happy mother's day!  I hope that every woman has had a good day today, because no matter where you are in life right now, you have touched someone else in some way, and that is worth celebrating.

I've noticed that now that I am a mother myself, I tend to do a lot of reflecting around mother's day about my (albeit short) experience as a mother.  At church today, it came as no surprise that the talks in sacrament meeting focused on mothers and motherhood.  The first speaker talked about the joy of motherhood.  As she spoke about her experience when her now 18 month old son was born, I thought back about when Ann was born two years ago. As I think about when Ann was born, joyful is probably not how I would describe it.  I loved my new little girl, but I was very much am emotional wreck.

I've suffered from anxiety for a long time (although I never realized that's what it was until Tom pointed it out to me when we were dating and I was, again, an emotional wreck).  My anxiety tends to flare when I am taking on some new responsibility, especially if it is likely to be difficult.  So you can imagine that having a baby and becoming a mother definitely falls into that category.  So while I was excited to have a child, I was also extremely terrified.  I told Tom that I felt so backwards from most other soon to be mothers - most are worried about going through labor - I on the other hand, was much more worried about what was to come *after * labor.  It felt so overwhelming.  I cried a lot on the first few weeks after Ann was born, and for months I struggled to do more than just survive.  I loved my daughter and was extremely grateful to have her (I still am), but some days I just felt like I would drown.  Despite all of that, over time, little by little, I became more confident on my abilities to be a mom. And over time, I was able to see more and more the wonders and joys of raising a child.  Now, every night before I go to bed, I go check on Ann, and I always leave her room over flowing with feelings of love and gratitude.  I often say a little prayer thanking my Heavenly Father for sending me such a little angel to love and care for.  My anxiety is still present (and probably always will be - but therapy helps, in case you had any doubts), and I still struggle sometimes, but I can honestly say that being a wife and mother is the greatest joy I have ever experienced in my life.  Despite a rocky start, I enjoy my life as a mother so much more now, and I anticipate that those feelings will just continue to grow over time.

I am extremely grateful for the amazing example of motherhood that my mother had been to me, and now also the example of my mother-in-law as well. I couldn't ask for better.

My sweet girl on her birthday this past week (more on that to come later :-)